• Home
  • Parenting
  • Relationships
  • Well-Being
  • Community
    • Join the Community
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
    • Pinterest
    • YouTube

Beauty in Bedlam

Four Signs Your Marriage is Failing

in Relationships on 02/05/20

Couple sitting on bed angry, backs turned, marriage failing.

After a long, trying day at home with the kids, you are looking forward to your spouse walking through the door and providing a little respite. But when they arrive, instead of helping out, your partner plops down on the couch to play games on a smartphone. Frustrated, an argument ensues.

Does this sound familiar? Don’t worry, this doesn’t automatically mean your marriage is failing and divorce is looming on your horizon. Occasional conflicts are completely normal. Even the most successful relationships experience discord. It’s what happens next which really matters. The way a disagreement is managed determines if a relationship is happy and thriving or miserable and dying.

There are four behaviors during arguments which show your marriage is heading towards failure: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Dr. John Gottman calls these negative communication patters the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because—unchecked—they’ll lead to the nearly inevitable end of your relationship. In fact, he can predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy if these behaviors aren’t changed. So, what do these four catastrophic habits actually look like in a marriage? What can be done about fixing and avoiding them?

Contempt

Contempt is a toxic combination of anger and resentment. If its insidious negativity is allowed to bloom between two married people, it is the greatest predictor of the looming failure of their relationship. (Lisitsa, 2013) It is an expression of superiority manifesting as sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye rolling, sneering, and mockery. Rather than seeing your spouse as your partner or equal, you see them as beneath you.

“You’re tired?! I’ve been here all day taking care of the kids and running the house. All you do when you come home from work is flop down on the couch and play those idiotic games on your phone. I don’t have time to deal with another child.”

The obvious antidote to contempt is to treat one another with respect and build a culture of appreciation within the relationship. Even if obvious, the difficulty is often in the doing. However, it needn’t take huge efforts to affect lasting change. Do small things often. Express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner regularly in order to create a positive perspective in your relationship, acting as a buffer for negative feelings. (Lisitsa, 2018)

“I can tell you had a long day and that you could use some time to decompress. I really appreciate how hard you work for us, and want you to have the time you need. It’s been a long day around here as well, and I could really use some help. Will you play with the kids after you finish your games?”

Criticism

Criticism attacks the character of the recipient instead of focusing on a specific behavior. Often, criticism builds over time. In order to avoid conflict, small annoyances are bottled up, only to come spewing out as something worse later. These repressed feelings explain why absolutes—words like always and never—tend to crop up in criticism. Since the issues weren’t dealt with in the moment, they compound, making it feel as though they happen consistently.

“You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. You always say you’re too tired to help out. Why don’t you care about what we need?”

It’s important to talk about the things in our relationships that are making us unhappy. However, these discussions must be direct and positive. The best antidote to criticism is to talk about your feelings using “I” statements.

“I feel frustrated because it seems like your phone is taking priority. I would appreciate having help with the kids when you come home.”

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is self-protection through righteous indignation or playing the victim. It is typically a response to criticism. According to Gottman, when we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so our spouse will back off. (Lisitsa, 2019) Defensiveness is really just a subversive way of blaming your spouse.

“I wake up early and then work all day. Why can’t you play with the kids?”

The antidote to defensiveness is to take responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict, and express concern for the other’s feelings. Acknowledging you play a role in the issue opens up the situation for problem solving as a team.

“Even though it is not my intention, I can see how playing on my phone is frustrating for you and comes across as me not caring. I need time to decompress after work, but I’ll try to be better at doing that before coming in the door or waiting until I know the family’s needs are met. Would either of those options help you feel my happiness to be home?”

Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the conversation, shuts down, and stops responding without resolving anything. It is usually a response to contempt. Instead of facing the problems with their spouse, those who stonewall make evasive actions like turning away, ignoring, acting busy, or finding distractions.

Remember how in our childhood we were taught to stop, drop, and roll if we caught fire? That same mantra applies here. The antidote to stonewalling is to:

  • stop the conversation for at least 20 minutes,
  • drop your walls and flooded emotions, then
  • roll on with the discussion once you are ready.

“I’m feeling too upset to keep talking about this and need a break. Can we please pause and come back to it in a bit? It will be easier to work through this after I’ve calmed down.”

Antidotes Create Success

Conflict in marriage is normal and even functional. Disagreements provide opportunities for growth and understanding when approached with respect, self-reflection, acknowledged shared responsibility, and self-regulation. Perfection is the goal, but not the expectation. Anyone can fall into the four negative communication patterns during arguments. That’s okay, if they are only temporary and outweighed by positive patterns. What matters is that you are cognizant of emotions and reactions in an argument. If you find yourself reverting to those poisonous behaviors, apply the antidotes. It’s those proactive steps by couples who practice and learn to manage problems in a healthy way which lead to permanently successful and resilient relationships.

Other Posts You May Like:

Is Pornography Addiction Really A Thing?
5 Skills You Need For Conflict Management
7 Reasons Why Your Marriage Matters To Your Kids
What Does A Healthy Marriage Look Like

Sources

Lisitsa, E. (2013, May 13). The Four Horsemen: Contempt. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

Lisitsa, E. (2018, May 9). The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Lisitsa, E. (2019, February 5). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

2 Comments

« What Does A Healthy Marriage Look Like?
How Well Do You Know Your Spouse? »

Comments

  1. Emily says

    February 6, 2020 at 11:09 PM

    I am so grateful you’re sharing this! So helpful.

    Reply
    • beautyinbedlam says

      February 7, 2020 at 12:42 AM

      Thank you for the kind words, Emily! I’m so glad you found it helpful.

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Hey there!

As a wife and mother of five girls, I understand the beautiful chaos that comes with family life, relationships, and personal growth. With a foundation in Marriage and Family Studies and certifications in Parent & Family Education and Advanced Marriage & Family Functioning, my insights are shaped by both lived experience and professional learning. Currently pursuing my Master’s in Social Work, I’m passionate about offering thoughtful guidance to help you navigate life’s complexities with grace and purpose.

View My Blog Posts

Never Miss a Post!

We couldn't even go here! We couldn't even go here!
Today was a big day as three of my girls got their Today was a big day as three of my girls got their ears pierced! 🌟 

@tattooedandrew321 did an amazing job, making the experience special for each one. They were a bit nervous, but he explained everything, giving them autonomy and making them feel at ease. Number 3 was particularly nervous, but Andrew’s encouragement and connection turned it into a joyful moment. This last pic captures the confidence he instilled in her. Grateful for the wonderful experience! 💖 #EarPiercing #MemorableMilestone #TattooedAndrewMagic
“There's only 365 days left until next Halloween “There's only 365 days left until next Halloween! 364!”

#halloween2023 #homemadehalloweencostumes #nightmarebeforechristmascosplay #nightmarebeforechristmascostume #familyhalloweencostumes
Tonight was an absolute dream! Boys Like Girls roc Tonight was an absolute dream! Boys Like Girls rocked the stage like no other, but what made it even more special was the band's incredible kindness. Martin Johnson and the rest of the band not only put on an epic show but also took the time to connect with us afterwards, aknowledging our shirts and complementing our passion and energy during the concert. 

As fans from the beginning, this experience has just solidified us as fans for life. This will be a memory to treasure forever! 

#BoysLikeGirls #RockedWithKindness #ontopoftheworld #fanforlife #fangirlmoment #FangirlingMode
@aliholcombe and I made The Great Escape, leaving @aliholcombe and I made The Great Escape, leaving mom duties behind as we dive into nostalgia at the @boyslikegirls concert! Two Is Better Than One when jamming with your favorite concert buddy.

We're ready to fall Heels Over Head, reliving our high school days with one of our faves. Let's party ‘til Five Minutes to Midnight and we’re feeling On Top of the World!

#boyslikegirls #early2000smusic #toopopforpunkandtoopunkforpop #poppunk #emosnotdead #stillemoallthesetearslater
🎸 🥳 Turning 35 and celebrating like it’s 2 🎸 🥳 Turning 35 and celebrating like it’s 2003, tapping into my inner teenage girl at the Dashboard Confessional concert. My heart’s still being Stolen – not just by the music, but by my hottie date who keeps my Burning Heart alive! Who says you can't be forever young?

This is Hands Down the best way to kick off another amazing year together. 🎉 😄

#ForeverYoung #DashboardConfessional #heythere35 @dashboardconfessional
Best view of the city, they said. Watching the sun Best view of the city, they said. Watching the sun rise will be romantic, they said. #emiprestatebuilding #newyorkcityskyline #newyorkcity
Just hanging out with @olivia_holt, @misskimizzo, Just hanging out with @olivia_holt, @misskimizzo, and @liamfennecken after the show. 

Chicago was absolutely stellar! An absolute dream come true.
Ending our walk through Central Park listening to Ending our walk through Central Park listening to my favorite Beatles song at the Imagine Mosaic honoring John Lennon. Perfection! ☀️

Copyright © 2025 · Beauty in Bedlam site designed by Erika Senneff

Embracing the beauty in the chaos of parenting, relationships, and mental well-being.